Did you feel that? It was subtle, so maybe you missed it. The ground shook a little and the skies cracked open. Swear jars and chore charts toppled off of the shelves of suburban track homes all across the country. There was a collective gasp from young children, their eyes assaulted. Parents everywhere rushed to shield their children’s eyes from the horror, sloshing their Lite Beers in the process. Salsa was spilled while furious Tweeters and FaceBookers took to the social media airways to express their disgust and admonishments. What was responsible for this onslaught of carpet stains and sticky phones?
Nuclear families all across our great land had settled in to watch a game of skull crashing, mind pulverizing, wholesome fun. It was the College National Championship game. What should have been a time to bond as a family and celebrate good old fashioned Americana was sullied. Because boobs.
Ciara sang the National Anthem wearing a lovely rhinestoned dress and cape that would have had Liberachi drooling in his bedazzled goblet. She was pristine in her white sparkliness. Her hair pulled back in an elegant chignon. She stood regally, mid field, and sang the most sacred song of our nation. The one that makes every good American pause, hand over heart, one single tear slowly trickling down their cheek. Except the eyes were dry on this good night. The patriotic moment overshadowed by her classless display of body parts.
“It’s a family event!” the people cried. “Cover up!” “Not appropriate!”
There were Tweets from ESPN reporters, the arbiters of decency and propriety.
The pearl clutching was in full effect. It was a little too much for a nation still in recovery from the yoga pants episodes of 2015. You know, the one where women and girls were shamed and scolded for wearing yoga pants as… err… pants? The wound is too fresh on our delicate sensibilities to now have to contend with breasts.
It was reckless and selfish of Ciara. Being all… there. With her body. Who the hell does she think she is, trying to draw attention to herself on national tv? Because of her, the fans of the SEC and ACC were distracted from the game. They could only half-heartedly scream profanities at their tv screens when coaches called the wrong plays. Their FaceBook updates -that the public at large relies on for game updates and sideline coaching- were lackluster. Their hearts weren’t in it knowing that their children would never be the same.
Breasts have no place on tv. If you have them, it is your duty, nay your responsibility, to make sure they are covered at all times. It doesn’t matter if you are 13 and headed off to middle school or 25 and headed to the gym. Breasts have no business being seen. Throw on that turtle neck and get thee to a baked goods sale, ladies!
It’s a slippery slope for our youth. They see breasts when their young brains are still supple and growing. The next thing you know, they’re snorting meth off the stomach of a stripper at the Lucky Penny. Breasts are the gateway drug for debauchery and a lifetime of Hooters Happy Hours eating bad wings and drinking stale beer. No one wants this for the youth of our country. Our kids deserve better.
And please, spare me the arguments. I’ve heard them all: “breasts are natural, they shouldn’t be sexualized” “I just want to feed my baby without being banished to a smelly public restroom” and “other cultures aren’t afraid of breasts.” Pffftt. I scoff a these pleas that are trotted out to try to instill some common sense and civility. In our country we like our breasts hidden from view, modestly hidden from sight. Until we want to see them. And then you can wear that v-neck shirt that’s been gathering dust in the back of your closet. Then you can proudly strap on your Victorias Secret Miracle Bra with pride. But only when we want to see them. It’s up to every single one of you to figure out the difference. Getting it wrong can have dire effects so tread carefully. Public shaming or assumptions about your character will be doled out based on the status of your breasts. It’s best to think of your boobs as weapons. Unless you have an open carry permit, you best keep ’em wrapped up tight.
I tried to stay strong through this whole ordeal. I tried to not get upset at the awful display that came across my tv screen. But then I saw this:
Ciara. Women everywhere. Next time you’re getting dressed to sing the National Anthem, or getting dressed to go to the grocery store or to go anywhere for that matter, think of Coop. What would Coop say? Coop and all the other innocent children out there. Can we spare them this kind of inappropriateness? Coop hasn’t even grown into her Vineyard Vines Shep Shirt yet and already she’s had her poor little mind tainted.
It’s incumbent upon all of us, those of the ever present breasts, to consider the ramifications of the clothes we wear. To speculate upon the effects our OOTD may have on the people who cross our paths. And, most importantly, to think of the legacy we are leaving the children.
It’s the Janet Jackson Super Bowl halftime wardrobe malfunction all over again. Maybe the answer is to just cancel football. 🙂
Haha! Cancel football? I think them are fighting words in most places! 🙂
You know it. Take away boobs, but never take away football. And I love that we both wrote about football on the same day!
This title is the best ever.
Poor Coop. Think of the children.
Thank you! Yes, poor little Coop. I’m thinking that maybe Coop’s not ready for prime time if she’s upset about “bumps.”
Ah maybe there is not enough breastfeeding happening…
Hehee… maybe that’s the root of the problem! Of course these are the same people who freak out when moms breast feed in public. I remember telling my daughter (who was 5) how babies eat when I was pregnant with my third child. She didn’t believe me. She absolutely thought I was pulling her leg. That might be because I sometimes tease and lie to my kids for entertainment purposes 🙂
Someone had better inform the cheerleaders.
And the men on the field in tight pants. Fair play, right? 😉
It’ll be really great when folks stop policing women’s bodies every damn minute. I’m so over it.
ME TOO. At first I wrote a rant about this. It’s getting so tired, isn’t it? I switched it up because sometimes being a smart ass just feels better.
Ha! Yes, I feel you. I’m so often expected to “lighten up” about it that I’m even sick of having to choose which stupid sexist thing to respond to. Thanks for your fresh approach.
YES. We really need to stop “making such a big deal” out of things and realize that “there’s more important things” to worry about. Sigh…
I wonder how many of those shocked responses came from people who were breast fed as babies…boobs are great. Lets celebrate.
Boobs are awesome! They aren’t dirty or scandalous! I’ve never understood the idea that we should be ashamed of our bodies…
Ah the American Taliban…..I don’t claim to understand it…..what IS it that’s so threatening to them about women’s bodies, women’s choices, and women’s rights in the USA? – if Coops Dad was offended enough to tweet about it I don’t recommend any trips to Europe or South America in the summer. There are boobs everywhere and nobody seems to mind…
Yep. People don’t seem to realize the eerie similarities to how we police what women wear and do with the extremists. I have issues with the whole purity movement in general, which is what this all stems from. I just refuse to buy into the notion that women are only of value when they are “pure.” And our puritanical society is woefully behind Europe and most of the civilized world in regards to this stuff!
I completely agree – not to mention, I didn’t think she did a great job of actually singing the anthem anyways. The whole spectacle was just that…a spectacle.
You know, I didn’t actually listen to her performance. It seems most people weren’t impressed. I kept meaning to click on the links to hear it and never did.
Um… then what are cheerleaders doing? Since when did football not include boobs? What a complete sham the NFL is really with the sexism and domestic violence issues and then now this silliness.
I like your blog.
Thank you! Yes, the people who were up in arms about her cleavage apparently didn’t notice or care about the cheerleader’s outfits- which I’m totally fine with by the way. But, you know, double standard.
Well… here she is kicking some ass…
with cleavage and tool belts.
Yes, there’s a double standard! Thank you again. 🙂
So much goodness in this!!
Thank you so much!
What 3 year old knows the word “inappropriate” much less uses it? You would think if Coop knows inappropriate, she know the proper word for those “bumps”……….plus I would think she would be studying the dictionary and planning her 2052 presidential campaign instead of watching football? Oh, oops, the sarcasm just keeps on coming!
Hahaha! Yes! It’s no surprise that she is using cute little nick names for body parts. Because, you know, real body part names are icky and gross. Oops! *puts snark back in pocket*
Ah football. Such hypocrisy. It’s enough already.
I agree with you 100 percent, but I sometimes feel like my ideals are from another century. Sad. Very sad and disturbing.
Hypocracy, thy name is pro=anything sports
Scathing, sharp as a razor, and wonderful! Stephen Colbert could take a lesson.
I’m so confused!! I thought football was all about machismo, rippling muscles and skimpily clad female adulation!!
This is one kickass post though!! 😀
How dare she sully that pure white sparky dress with an obvious display of SEXuality! OMG! Who does she think she is with those perfect, perky globes of man attracting boobs! And to let them half way out of their cage at a time when children might see them? What was she thinking? Little boys might start getting ideas! Shit, I wish my boobs were half that beautiful, instead of needing to be tucked into my belt every night when I take off my bra.
She looked gorgeous. I see more boobs than that when my male neighbor jogs shirtless. People are stupid.
GRETCHEN!!! You really DID write about it, YAYYYY! hahaha I knew you’d do it justice. We can make Miley Cyrus a star for her crotchless panties on stage…..but a little cleavage? People are effing idiots. Why are earth was it inappropriate? We didn’t see nipple. I didn’t catch sight of her bush. Seriously…..
LOVE YER GUTS!!! XOXOXOX
Really? Boobs? BOOBS? BOOOOBS?!? Sorry, I just like saying boobs. But I still can’t understand why this “incident” got people so frothy. A child can walk down the street and see billboards with boobs the size of VW Bugs and that’s not a problem. But a well-poised woman singing beautifully while showing a little of her physical attributes and people lose their minds. I wonder if the parents of poor little Coop have considered the trauma he experiences every time the camera flashes to the cheerleaders?
I’m so relieved this is satire! I saw the title, and thought, “Oh, nooo.” Ciara looked beautiful, and the dress was stunning. The cleavage was not that bad either. These parents overreacted.
Thank goodness I don’t watch football. That’s disgusting.
Geez. People getting all up in arms about a little flesh.
I find people frustrating! These are probably the same people who yell and curse and their kid’s games because the coach didn’t play them or some other kid roughed them up on the field. I could see if her tits came flying out like Janet Jackson’s famous boobie-gate!!! Since football is a “family” thing she should have been breastfeeding while she sang… I mean she is doing what a woman should be doing after all…nurturing! And really that is what boobs are for…nurturing.. Right?
As there was no flag on the play one must assume it’s all legal, though I’m sure there must be a rules committee reviewing the incident…constantly.
But doesn’t football already have enough rules? They even have some related to the amount of inflation is allowed in the skin they play with, so I could easily see all of this all becoming a slippery slope in no time!
Love this sooo much, and so many good quotes in it. My fave: “It’s best to think of your boobs as weapons. Unless you have an open carry permit, you best keep ’em wrapped up tight.” You bring such humor to this, and love the light feel to the post while still making such a great point. Boobs, well they are just boobs – get over it Football Fans of America!